Forgiveness is a Choice
Just learned the other day that there is a Forgiveness Institute at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. And, its founder, Robert D. Enright, wrote the book a practical guide to on how to do it, Forgiveness Is a Choice. thought you might find a summary of the book helpful.
The book is all about understanding forgiveness and how we can choose to forgive, even when it's hard. I wanted to share some of the key points with you because it might resonate with you, especially if you’re dealing with any hurt or resentment.
Enright talks about forgiveness not as something that just happens in a moment, but as an ongoing process. It's more like a choice we make, day by day, to let go of anger and resentment. He also points out that forgiving doesn’t mean we excuse or forget what was done to us. It just means we stop letting those negative feelings control us. It's about our own emotional healing.
Here are the steps he recommends for forgiving someone:
1. Uncover the Anger: First, it's important to really sit with and acknowledge the anger or hurt we’re feeling. Sometimes we don't even realize how much an event or person is affecting us until we take a closer look.
2. Decide to Forgive: Forgiveness is a choice. It’s something we actively decide to do, not just something we "feel" like doing. It’s about deciding that we no longer want to carry the weight of resentment.
3. Work on Understanding: This doesn’t mean we have to agree with or approve of what the person did, but Enright encourages us to try and understand where they might be coming from. It helps us see them more as a person, not just someone who hurt us.
4. Feel Compassion for the Offender: This can be tough, but the idea here is to try to have some compassion for the person who hurt us. We all make mistakes, and we all have our own struggles. Having empathy for them helps us release some of the emotional burden we carry.
5. Commit to Letting Go: At this point, we make a conscious commitment to stop holding on to the anger. Even if the person doesn’t apologize, or if things don’t change, we decide we’re ready to move on.
6. Release the Emotional Burden: Finally, we let go of the heavy emotions that have been weighing us down. This is where we really start to feel free from the situation. We stop allowing the past to affect our present and future.
The book really helped me see forgiveness in a new light—it’s not about the other person, it’s about us freeing ourselves from that emotional baggage. And honestly, it feels so much lighter when we do.
I think these steps are worth considering, especially if you’ve been struggling with letting go of some past hurts. It’s not easy, but I believe it can make a huge difference in how we feel day-to-day.
Take care, and I hope you find this as helpful as I did!
Jane Klingberg, LPC